laying romanticism to bed.

could be a cool article in the very least. i’m going to try to write it, i think.

i am really struggling with this. with this concept of choice, with the idea that my happiness is my own hands, not in his. nearly every fiber in my being rails against this discovery, but i hurtle towards it anyway. because it must be true.

but i do want him to know me. or else, what is the point?

really happy with scott. i am. it’s strange and nice to feel like you can count on someone. i guess strangely, i’m feeling very negative about my singing prospects but i am feeling optimistic about my prospects with him. some things i need to work on is not letting him dominate me and my making sure that i’m not letting him control me (because i don’t think he wants to, but you’re a people-pleaser and sometimes it’s just your default behavior to not exercise your will).

but you’re learning.

and i must make a note about how supportive he was of me this weekend. truly truly supportive and trying to convince me of things that i honestly couldn’t even believe myself. i do love this man. i love that he was trying so hard to make me feel better. and i love him for maybe finally seeing what a perfectionist i can be, just like him.

this is more for my singing blog, but i’ll put it here for now:

bouts of negativity. sometimes i truly can’t help it and it’s hard to pull myself out of it. i think i’m going to talk to evelyn about it. i need some sort of mental process for when i feel that i haven’t done my best even when i’ve wanted to so badly. 

i am curious to hear how it sounded on saturday. the lucky thing was that “ach ich fuhls” is still easier to sing than it ever ever ever has been. but somehow, that isn’t enough of a win. i can sing it and other songs so beautifully now, so it frustrates me when things don’t flow. why weren’t things flowing that day? i guess i can name several reasons. 

but the problem with my personality is that i’m STILL yelling at myself for what i perceive to be failure. 48 hours later. it’s rough.

it’s such a weird adjustment, to start letting myself include him in my image of my future. to want him in it, truly, deeply. i was thinking as i was at the gym today that every man up until this point (aside from dave, i suppose?) didn’t seem like someone i could be with forever. i stopped imagining forever, even though i didn’t stop being a romantic. i knew that as much as i loved dan, it probably wouldn’t work. and well, there is ethan. although now that i write it out, i also am realizing that those gut reactions of why something can’t work out are a mix of a defense mechanism with rationality. of course there are always reasons why things might not work out. i guess the thing i’m starting to learn is that it’s about how much you work past those things, how you honor each other by fighting for each other. i don’t think i’ve quite felt this way with anyone yet. as much as i cared about someone, i resisted making decisions based on my love for them (ie, going to vassar, or moving to australia). i don’t regret it at all, mostly because they didn’t give me a reason to do it. but even if they had, i know i wouldn’t have. but now, with scott, i know i know enough about my life to make sure that i could build it by incorporating his decisions. there is growing sense of “we” in my heart and mind that wasn’t there before.

and scott is entirely the type of man i always dreamed of. everything from the way he looks to the way he is. the way  he inspires me, the way he is emotionally reserved but verbally open. and the fact that we’ve worked through all the things about ourselves that conflict… or rather, we’ve started the process and moved past this first huge hurdle (at least for me). I think we’re seeing how we fare with conflict and it’s kind of nice… it gives me faith, or fuels faith that had run dry before.

i keep looking at our pictures from this weekend. we look happy. we are happy. am i seeing things or do we even look alike? and i have a feeling that his mother can tell, which is why she kept emphasizing “beautiful” to him. i’m sure a part of her is happy or relieved to see that her beloved son is finding love on his path without god. at least i can hope. and it’s also extremely heartening that he is teaching her how to say my name properly. and that she cares enough to ask about my name. 

oh man guys. i’m in love. and in moments when i’m freaking out (which is bound to happen), i will let my magical orchid take my worries and meditate on them and take care of them. and everything will be okay, no matter what the outcome of all of this. but for the first time in my life, truly, i see the future with a man. a flesh and blood man that im with who cares for me or is learning to and vice versa. moreover, i finally SEE the point in being in a relationship and partnership… to build a community with someone else and live life together. up until now, as much as i craved love, it felt much safer and easier to do it alone. the conflicts too are feeling less crippling and shocking as i’m learning more about him. as i am learning that he cares and tries and wants to try for ME. his feelings may wax and wane, as will mine, but at the core, if we do this right, we’ll have our love and mutual respect to fall back on. 

and so thank you, universe. thank you for bringing me this happiness. i woke up this morning acutely aware again. aware that this too shall pass, in all its beauty and glory, and i weep a little bit because i recognize the passage of time in the bad and in the good. it’s like when i sobbed as i left paris last summer… sobbed knowing that the beauty of my time there was so singular, so special, so powerful, that i’d never be able to recapture it. that nothing gets recaptured as it washes over you. i accept it even if i find it heartbreaking. 

by the same token, i recognized too today that for all those years that i hoped and prayed and worried and wished and struggled… for my voice to return, for my love to find me…i’ve arrived somewhere new finally. somewhere where i have a man to love who’ll let me love him and at a place vocally where my expressiveness can take back her reign over my performance life. god, how i’ve missed her. and god, how i’ve missed scott, without even knowing who he was. it’s strange to look at the present and realize that THIS is what i’ve been praying for for all these years. like when i suddenly was on that bus and realized that my heartache over dave was gone. it’s amazing when, through all the tumult and heartbreak and pain, you arrive at a clearing and you can look out onto the expanse and breathe and feel free. that’s how i feel.

but yes, scott is in my life. and if i have any choice in the matter, he is here to stay. and i am here to stay with him. because somewhere at the base of my gut, i feel i know we belong together. here’s to hoping that all the beauty i see is true and that the universe will protect us as we begin this new partnership chapter of our lives.

through the lows and trials of the last two weeks, love got the final word. that’s the feeling here. 

suddenly everything has changed.